What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 01:47
I think the readers, may guess!
She loved him until the end.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Has anyone ever participated in a gang bang and what was it like?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
All the time i was locked up.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
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We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
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.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She found it foreign!.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
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Im dying but, im not bitter.
Im still living with it.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
It was going to be , some day.
This is soul school!.
I was 9 years of age.
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Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I could never make a relationship work though!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
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The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Why do women wear less clothes compared to men?
We all went to grammer schools
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
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He was dying to do it , i knew.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
So, i spoilt her more .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Why do I feel bad when I see white girls dating black guys, am I racist?
Put me off passion for life!!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I will be 64.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And i lived it daily.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I never cut or harmed myself..
Ive learnt so much.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She was in good health!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But it wasn’t much.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
As i do to all so called friends.?
She married twice! .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He resisted the act ,that day.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
What did i know ?
I was seconnd youngest,
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But, we were locked up after school.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
We were not on the streets..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Was to survive, this bastard.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was scared of men, in general
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I have no regrets .
I waited trembling.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She wouldn,t have been !
Who then, do I blame.?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Especially a lifetime of it.
My life is so biszare .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My family never makes their pension either.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I said to her
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I write beautiful poetry .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
So whats the point in blame.
Would this be the day?
(And it was in our own minds.)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I don,t even have a pension.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I was very sick at this time too.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
When she asked me how she looked .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Comes on , in middle age.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He knew the spot.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
One cannot live in the past .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.